Ambivalence is the word of the day – maybe the weekend – possibly the past week. I found myself moving from one side of the spectrum to the other. I’m hesitant to say much around this, except I feel the need to continue intense self-work. I see myself changing more – transitioning in an unexpected, though perhaps entirely logical direction.
I find myself wondering where control ends – control over the self, and therefore the body. How much control do I have over my state? How much ability is there to manipulate moods grounded in physical being? How much can I override something and change it?
Does it require belief? Does it require only the feeling?
I was raised to believe in the power of science, but what about the times when science fails? When reality is too much for paltry theories attempting to explain things that are beyond the boundaries of comprehension?
Lately I’ve been throwing ideas out that raise my husband’s brows. The direction of this transformation is strange – wonderful, glorious, and impossible to know outside of experience.
In short, there is no point discussing it unless you’ve been through it. And if you have, and we passed each other on the street, we’d recognize one another. It would be clear to us, even if we’d never met. This is the power of such a transformation.
Also, no one else would be the wiser. Maybe they’d look up, feel something brush their shoulder. Maybe they’d feel suddenly lighter. Maybe they’d feel a rush as they came near. They’d think it was the sun, or a child laughing, or maybe someone smiling. This is all they would know, and then life would continue on.
So, I walk around, those around me ignorant of my movement into this chrysalis. They’re ignorant of the internal efforts I make constantly – the prayer expended from second to second throughout my waking life. Without an orange robe, shaved head, habit, or bangle, there is nothing marking me. I sink into the background, protected during this energetic stillness. My insides rile from one place to another, slowly moving out of a deep rut, as the river fords.
This is how it is I lose myself, to find myself.
Last week I did the following:
Meditated (a LOT)
Tweaked and tweaked and tweaked SIX DEGREES
Read, read, and read sacred texts
Added preorders to Amazon for curriculum and devotional
Updated select pages of website
Made connections around SIX DEGREES
This week, I intend to:
Meditate (a LOT)
Finish adding sacred text selections to devotional
Finish resource page for devotional
Make PDF resource for curriculum (download for subscribers)
Continue updating pages of websites
I think that’s enough. No doubt I’ll have more of this change behind me. I’m interested to look in the mirror when it’s complete.
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